- woke/woke up - "woke up" feels more natural. To me, there is a sense of movement (that suits what follows), while "woke" feels more like you became semi-conscious but didn't necessarily rise. It wouldn't really affect my feelings on the piece though.
- almost knocked/nearly knocked - I like alliteration, although in this case somehow I prefer almost. I can't put my finger on why.
- twin states/two states - I like twin states as it makes it feel more mystical, but it also implies darkness and being semi-conscious are intrinsically linked
- thought/assumed - thought gives a more conscious feel to it, while "assumed" suits the semi-consciousness
- as a result/as a consequence - "result" feels a little more colloquial, in keeping with the rest of the piece, and flows better. Consequence feels a little clinical.
- headaches/headache - I don't feel anything either way.
- petrified/terrified - petrified gives more of a sense of physical paralysis, instead of merely the emotion of fear. I think I slightly prefer petrified, as it suits the focus on the physical aspects of the story.
- twilight/evening - I love the word twilight, but it feels out of keeping with the tone of the piece as it's a more unusual word. It would suit the "twin" and "petrified" though.
- secure in the knowledge/safe in the knowledge - I feel like I've read "safe" more, but the meaning and the flow feel the same to me.
- book/ebook - ebook feels jarring - it's a type of book format anyway and it's implied already by the 17%.
Well done, ML! I like your analysis very much. It really goes to show, I think, that as one writer said (whose name escapes me), there are really no synonyms in English 😂
This is great! At first glance (ie not comparing the two texts in one eyeful, but reading them consecutively) I spotted two differences which stood out much more than the others: thought/assumed (purely because they were in bold type - had they not been, I wouldn't have noticed!), and 'ebook', because it jarred a little.
And that's got me thinking about WHY it jarred. A 'book' is a book - it's not a surprise to me that you would have been reading a book on your visit to the hospital, so I'm expecting to see the word 'book'. But 'ebook' is different: I'm now asking myself WHY you're reading an ebook rather than a BOOK book. I'm only learning in the very last line that you're reading an ebook - and I'm feeling little cheated not to have an encountered a breadcrumb to that end earlier in the text - a mention of 'Kindle', or 'ereader', or your 'Books app'. I have nothing against ebooks, don't get me wrong, but where 'book' slipped under the radar without my noticing, 'ebook' really stood out. (This is absolutely no criticism of your choice for an alternative word for 'book' - I just found it really interesting that reading the word 'ebook' had felt so very different to me!)
As for identifying the other eight differences, I had to compare the texts side-by-side! I liked 'evening' and 'twilight' - they each give the text a different colour, which I found lovely - and the singular 'headache' I felt had great impact - greater than its plural form.
Absolutely fascinating, Terry - bravo!
(But you do know that this is a lot of effort for a Sunday morning, don't you, when I've had an hour's less sleep than usual thanks to the start of British Summer Time? I've met your sort before... 😉)
Well done, Rebecca. Isn't it interesting how the change in a single word to its supposed synonym can change the whole feel of a piece? As for "I've met your sort before": I said that to a neighbour and her response was: "Oh good, there are more of us!" 😂
Yeah, well you would! I'm in the Barbican and there are hordes of kids here. why aren't they behind their desks, sitting in silence, working on their projects? What's the point of sending them to school if the teachers take them out of school?
- woke/woke up - "woke up" feels more natural. To me, there is a sense of movement (that suits what follows), while "woke" feels more like you became semi-conscious but didn't necessarily rise. It wouldn't really affect my feelings on the piece though.
- almost knocked/nearly knocked - I like alliteration, although in this case somehow I prefer almost. I can't put my finger on why.
- twin states/two states - I like twin states as it makes it feel more mystical, but it also implies darkness and being semi-conscious are intrinsically linked
- thought/assumed - thought gives a more conscious feel to it, while "assumed" suits the semi-consciousness
- as a result/as a consequence - "result" feels a little more colloquial, in keeping with the rest of the piece, and flows better. Consequence feels a little clinical.
- headaches/headache - I don't feel anything either way.
- petrified/terrified - petrified gives more of a sense of physical paralysis, instead of merely the emotion of fear. I think I slightly prefer petrified, as it suits the focus on the physical aspects of the story.
- twilight/evening - I love the word twilight, but it feels out of keeping with the tone of the piece as it's a more unusual word. It would suit the "twin" and "petrified" though.
- secure in the knowledge/safe in the knowledge - I feel like I've read "safe" more, but the meaning and the flow feel the same to me.
- book/ebook - ebook feels jarring - it's a type of book format anyway and it's implied already by the 17%.
Great analysis. I agree with some, but not all, so personal taste I guess.
"I woke" for me feels better as it's cutting a word that is implied. But perhaps in the context of movement, as you state, it does work better.
Petrified feels too pushed and somewhat unbelievable for me.
Agree on the twilight point.
Terry, was A your more instinctive way of writing this for you?
Well done, ML! I like your analysis very much. It really goes to show, I think, that as one writer said (whose name escapes me), there are really no synonyms in English 😂
This is great! At first glance (ie not comparing the two texts in one eyeful, but reading them consecutively) I spotted two differences which stood out much more than the others: thought/assumed (purely because they were in bold type - had they not been, I wouldn't have noticed!), and 'ebook', because it jarred a little.
And that's got me thinking about WHY it jarred. A 'book' is a book - it's not a surprise to me that you would have been reading a book on your visit to the hospital, so I'm expecting to see the word 'book'. But 'ebook' is different: I'm now asking myself WHY you're reading an ebook rather than a BOOK book. I'm only learning in the very last line that you're reading an ebook - and I'm feeling little cheated not to have an encountered a breadcrumb to that end earlier in the text - a mention of 'Kindle', or 'ereader', or your 'Books app'. I have nothing against ebooks, don't get me wrong, but where 'book' slipped under the radar without my noticing, 'ebook' really stood out. (This is absolutely no criticism of your choice for an alternative word for 'book' - I just found it really interesting that reading the word 'ebook' had felt so very different to me!)
As for identifying the other eight differences, I had to compare the texts side-by-side! I liked 'evening' and 'twilight' - they each give the text a different colour, which I found lovely - and the singular 'headache' I felt had great impact - greater than its plural form.
Absolutely fascinating, Terry - bravo!
(But you do know that this is a lot of effort for a Sunday morning, don't you, when I've had an hour's less sleep than usual thanks to the start of British Summer Time? I've met your sort before... 😉)
Well done, Rebecca. Isn't it interesting how the change in a single word to its supposed synonym can change the whole feel of a piece? As for "I've met your sort before": I said that to a neighbour and her response was: "Oh good, there are more of us!" 😂
Thanks, Terry! As for your neighbour - I'm so impressed! 🤣
Yeah, well you would! I'm in the Barbican and there are hordes of kids here. why aren't they behind their desks, sitting in silence, working on their projects? What's the point of sending them to school if the teachers take them out of school?
They know their rights too, Terry.
Bah!