Experiments in style: Spot the difference
Experiments in style: Spot the difference
A textual version of a graphic challenge
Introduction
Greetings!
If you’re new here then you can find out all about this project of mine here.
But in a nutshell it’s this: I’ve been taking a short and very bland story and rewriting it in different styles.
This time I’ve created is verbal version of those spot-the-differences puzzles you sometimes see in magazines. There are ten differences between versions A and B. Can you spot them?
On a serious note, do the differences make a difference? The gist of the story is the same in each case, but does using one word rather than another make one version better than the other — and if so, in what way?
This sort of exercise is very important for writers when reading. Not doing a spot-the-difference puzzle, but asking:
How does the writer achieve that effect?
Is that an effective metaphor?
Is that adverb/adjective really necessary?
etc
Anyway, enjoy!
Version A
In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.
The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.
The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.
An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.
Version B
In the middle of the night, I woke (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and nearly knocked myself out.
The reason was that in the two states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I assumed I was facing. As a consequence, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through a wall.
The next few days brought nausea and headache. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited terrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.
An hour and a half later I emerged into the evening, safe in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my ebook.
- woke/woke up - "woke up" feels more natural. To me, there is a sense of movement (that suits what follows), while "woke" feels more like you became semi-conscious but didn't necessarily rise. It wouldn't really affect my feelings on the piece though.
- almost knocked/nearly knocked - I like alliteration, although in this case somehow I prefer almost. I can't put my finger on why.
- twin states/two states - I like twin states as it makes it feel more mystical, but it also implies darkness and being semi-conscious are intrinsically linked
- thought/assumed - thought gives a more conscious feel to it, while "assumed" suits the semi-consciousness
- as a result/as a consequence - "result" feels a little more colloquial, in keeping with the rest of the piece, and flows better. Consequence feels a little clinical.
- headaches/headache - I don't feel anything either way.
- petrified/terrified - petrified gives more of a sense of physical paralysis, instead of merely the emotion of fear. I think I slightly prefer petrified, as it suits the focus on the physical aspects of the story.
- twilight/evening - I love the word twilight, but it feels out of keeping with the tone of the piece as it's a more unusual word. It would suit the "twin" and "petrified" though.
- secure in the knowledge/safe in the knowledge - I feel like I've read "safe" more, but the meaning and the flow feel the same to me.
- book/ebook - ebook feels jarring - it's a type of book format anyway and it's implied already by the 17%.
This is great! At first glance (ie not comparing the two texts in one eyeful, but reading them consecutively) I spotted two differences which stood out much more than the others: thought/assumed (purely because they were in bold type - had they not been, I wouldn't have noticed!), and 'ebook', because it jarred a little.
And that's got me thinking about WHY it jarred. A 'book' is a book - it's not a surprise to me that you would have been reading a book on your visit to the hospital, so I'm expecting to see the word 'book'. But 'ebook' is different: I'm now asking myself WHY you're reading an ebook rather than a BOOK book. I'm only learning in the very last line that you're reading an ebook - and I'm feeling little cheated not to have an encountered a breadcrumb to that end earlier in the text - a mention of 'Kindle', or 'ereader', or your 'Books app'. I have nothing against ebooks, don't get me wrong, but where 'book' slipped under the radar without my noticing, 'ebook' really stood out. (This is absolutely no criticism of your choice for an alternative word for 'book' - I just found it really interesting that reading the word 'ebook' had felt so very different to me!)
As for identifying the other eight differences, I had to compare the texts side-by-side! I liked 'evening' and 'twilight' - they each give the text a different colour, which I found lovely - and the singular 'headache' I felt had great impact - greater than its plural form.
Absolutely fascinating, Terry - bravo!
(But you do know that this is a lot of effort for a Sunday morning, don't you, when I've had an hour's less sleep than usual thanks to the start of British Summer Time? I've met your sort before... 😉)