Letter to Rebecca #25-02

Special stream of consciousness edition, ie no headings.

Books, resolutions, and a ride of terror. This letter has everything. Well, not everything, but a lot.

Yo, Becks!

Thanks for your latest missive, which was definitely the GOAT¹. Well, apart from that Only Connect puzzle you included. You wrote:

What’s the connection between these four words?

Toyota
Sensuousness
Booby
Ananas

My answer: who knows? Supplementary question: doesn’t the person who came up with that have anything better to do? Supplementary supplementary question: don’t the people who spread such stuff to others (no names) have anything better to do?

As you may know, I’m quite busy teaching a creative rotting course. Oh yes, you’re on it, aren’t you? You asked:

Will you be admonishing your 60-minute students for using incorrect grammar or syntax, Terry?

Look, I ain’t no pedant. Seriously though, I like to keep my eye on the bigger picture. When I did my MA (did I mention I did an MA?), we had two tutors. One of them used to ask really incisive questions, questions that made you go much deeper. The other one would say, “You should have a semicolon there”.

He was dead serious. When our final exams were approaching, we were told we’d be sitting two papers of 3 hours each. I said, “Look, can’t we do something more accessible, like keep a scrapbook and submit that instead?” One of the other students said, “I’ve already cut out the pictures!”. The tutor went bonkers, saying it was a serious exam.

By the way, I realise that this train has left the station, as it were, but you mentioned New Year Resolutions. I never make any, so I don’t end up castigating myself for not keeping to them. This approach is analogous to Spike Milligan’s approach to planning: if you don’t make a plan, the plan can’t go wrong.

Now to advertising. You mentioned an advertisement which declared that Marks and Spencer’s £25 jumper is non-itchy and shoppers are buying in every colour. Well, apart from the fact that most people buy things in shops rather than colours, I think it’s a great advert. I mean, what you want in a sock? Washable, comfortable, and non-itchy.

A soft drinks company used to advertise, “Our bottles are washed with steam.” They forgot to mention that that was the standard process.

And what about the David Ogilvy-written advert for Rolls Royce, in 1957?

"At 60 miles an hour, the loudest noise in this new Rolls-Royce comes from the electric clock.”

The engineers at Rolls Royce were annoyed, because the advert didn’t mention the precision of what was under the bonnet. But potential customers ought to be able to take that as read. The fact that the car was virtually silent was a brilliant, and far more relevant, selling point.

I liked your multipurpose tool, but a few items had me scratching my head, viz:

• Immersion blender: when I immerse myself in an activity, the very last thing I want is to be blended.

• TV remote control: seriously? No wonder the homework you submitted on my writing course was so late.

• Notebook: what’s that? Is it like an analogue version of a digital text processor?

• Pen: did you mean a stylus that can write on an iPad or something?

You see, Becks, as a digital native, I don’t understand these old-fashioned terms.

As for books, you said you’re reading Around the World in 80 Books. I bought that a few months ago but haven’t started it yet. Is it good? It seems very interesting from the little I’ve read so far.

We went to a local village sort of place recently, and bought some books in a second-hand bookshop. Elaine bought a huge dictionary of music that I had to lug back despite the fact that I’m getting on a bit, and a dictionary of biology. I bought the 1992 2000 AD Annual and The McSweeney's joke book of book jokes.

My reading matter

The reason I keep Elaine on is that it’s useful to have one sensible person in the family. A few weeks ago the instructor at the gym asked me how Elaine and I met.

Me: She was wearing a leather jacket, smoking a cigarette, leaning against a wall.

Lois: Is this true?

Me: Of course. She looked me up and down and then said, “Hello, sailor.”

Lois: OK, now I know you’re joking.

Just then, Elaine came along.

Elaine: What have you been saying about me?

Me: Moi?

Anyway, after our book-buying spree, we were hungry, so Elaine drove home like a maniac. The picture on the left was what I was like before the journey back, and the one on the right was taken when we arrived back:

Before and after

The video I took of our ride back will explain why:

Even now, the thought of it fills me with dread, so I’m off to have a lie down. So, keep taking the tabloids, and DO YER HOMEWORK.

Bye for now

Terry

To anyone reading this missive, you can see the whole archive here. Rebecca should reply next Wednesday, so make sure you don’t miss that by subscribing to hers.

Thanks for reading!

1. Greatest Of All Time. Do try and keep up.