Experiments in style: Problem Page

The 'bang on the head' story reimagined as a newspaper's weekly problem page.

Greetings!

One of the things I’ve been trying out is reworking a piece of text into a completely different style. A full exposition and explanation are given here:

Experimenting with styles

The aim of these experiments is to explore how different styles and approaches can affect the tone of a story. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

For today’s experiment I wrote the story in the style of a newspaper’s weekly problem page.

But enough of this persiflage! Here is the original text on which these experiments or transformations are based:

The original (template) text

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.

Problem page

As I’m not sure if problem pages aren’t a purely British phenomenon, here’s a brief explanation. Several newspapers in the UK — and not just the ‘red tops’ — feature a weekly advice column. People write in¹ with a problem and ask for advice on how to deal with it. The so-called agony aunt or uncle responds with a suggestion or, sometimes, admonition. You can read more about this kind of feature here: Advice column.

Picture created in Ideogram

Got a problem? Email unclefred@thedailytrumpet.co.uk. We regret that individual correspondence cannot be entered into.

This week’s mailbag included a lot of hospital-related questions, so we’ve gathered them all in one place for Uncle Fred to answer.

Dear Uncle Fred

I banged my head on the way to the bathroom the other night, and my wife keeps going on at me to go to the hospital to get checked out. How can I convince her that we men only go to the doctor when it's a matter of life and death?

Uncle Fred says:

She's right. This could be a matter of life and death. Stop being a putz, and go see a doctor.

Dear Uncle Fred

My husband, who is a writer, had an accident recently, and hurt his head. Since then he has been unable to write anything. All he does is wander around the house clutching his head mumbling, "My readers, my legacy”. But he won't go and see a doctor. How can I convince him to do so, just to be on the safe side?

Uncle Fred says:

Leave the poor guy alone. Give him a cup of tea and an aspirin, and if that doesn't work I'm sure he'll see sense and take your advice and seek medical help.

Dear Uncle Fred

I had to go to the Accident and Emergency Department of my local hospital, and hardly anyone was wearing a mask or socially distancing. How could I deal with this situation should it arise again?

Uncle Fred says:

It's not a good idea to confront people in that situation. If there's a security officer there you could draw the problem to their attention and let them handle it. And there's always the official complaints procedure if you feel really strongly about it.

Dear Uncle Fred

I'm a security guard at a hospital. It's almost impossible to get people to wear their masks properly or keep their distance, but I do my best. Recently, someone came in ranting and raving, and shouting "I'm a writer, and I'm too young to die, and I haven't finished my book yet." When I asked him to calm down, he shouted "I know my rights. Do you know who I am?" In the end we had to ignore him the best we could. Is there anything I should have done instead?

Uncle Fred says:

You should have told him to calm down or be escorted off the premises.

Dear Uncle Fred

While in a hospital waiting room recently, the wait was so long that I managed to read nearly a fifth of my book. Do you think I should make an official complaint, especially as people who arrived after me were seen before me?

Uncle Fred says:

You have to bear in mind that people are seen in order of medical priority, so just be thankful that your case was not regarded as an emergency and that you had a chance to read your book.

Dear Uncle Fred

I'm a nurse in a hospital, and it's sometimes really hard to get patients' attention when it's their turn to be seen. Only the other day someone refused to budge, shouting, “Only another two pages and I'll have read 17% of my book. I’m on a reading streak according to my Kindle, and I’m on course to get a silver badge. Leave me alone!” What should I do in these situations?

Uncle Fred says:

Point out to them that they are holding up other patients and that they could be sent to the back of the line and effectively have to start all over again. That should get their attention.

Dear Uncle Fred

I was seen by a nurse recently because I thought I might have concussion, and she was really cursory. She refused to answer my questions, when all I was doing was seeking reassurance. She seemed OK from a treatment point of view, but her bedside manner was a bit lacking. After some prodding and poking, and asking a load of stupid questions like ‘how many versions of her could I see?’, she told me I had mild concussion and told me to take it easy, even though I’m a famous writer whose readers demand more and more. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should complain?

Uncle Fred says:

Medical practitioners have a demanding and intensive job. If the nurse’s treatment was good, what are you moaning about? Get over yourself. And take her advice!

Dear Uncle Fred

I’m a nurse, and someone came to see me recently complaining about headaches. But before he would let me check him out he started asking questions like, “Are you medically qualified?” When I tried to ignore him and just get on with the job of examining him, he said, “I demand to see your certificate. I know my rights. I’m a famous writer, you know. I can’t afford to be examined by an imposter. My readers deserve nothing less. Do you know who I am?” When I told him he’d be fine if he took things easy for a week or two he started raving about his deadline, his readers, and his hope of receiving the Booker Prize for his next book. What do you think I should do in this kind of situation?

Uncle Fred says:

If someone says, “Do you know who I am?”, tell them you don’t but that you’ll ask the receptionist because she will have a record of who has come in to the hospital. Then threaten to leave a one-star review on all their books. That’s the worse thing that can happen to a writer, apart from writer’s block. As for the Booker Prize, tell them you’ve just seen the whole of London Zoo flying past.

I hope you have enjoyed this version of the story. Comments are welcomed, as always. If you’d like to dig deeper, I often write an ‘Experiments in style extra’ post to explain how a version came about, or how I did it. That’s for paid subscribers.

If you’re new to the series, you can see the index of my experiments here: Index.

Thank you for reading!

1. I’ve never understood why anyone would write to a newspaper with their problem, and potentially wait weeks for it to be featured — and answered in some cases by someone who is not qualified (in any kind of official way) to answer.