Experiments in style: Mastermind

A parody

Greetings!

One of the things I’ve been trying out is reworking a piece of text into a completely different style. A full exposition and explanation are given here:

Experimenting with styles

The aim of these experiments is to explore how different styles and approaches can affect the tone of a story. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

For today’s experiment I wrote the story in the style of an old British television quiz called Mastermind. I’ve also included four clips you may find helpful in establishing the context.

But enough of this persiflage! Here is the original text on which these experiments or transformations are based:

The original (template) text

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.

Mastermind

Please note: this is not a transcript of an actual Mastermind quiz but a parody, written in accordance with the UK’s rules on parody or pastiche, and Fair Dealing, and the US’s Fair Use.

Before launching into today’s version of the story, you may find this short clip useful if you are unfamiliar with this television show.

And now for the story.

Tonight, live from our London, Mastermind, with John Johnson.

John Johnson: Today we are recording the show in the sumptuous surroundings of Freedman Towers. This  was built in 1909 and is the site where Lord Terry Freedman wrote some of the world’s greatest literature. And now for our first contestant.

What is your name?

Fred Terryman: Fred Terryman.

JJ: And your occupation?

FT: Blues man.

JJ: What is your specialist subject, Mr Terryman?

FT: Yerret Manfreed, the writer.

JJ: Thank you, Mr Terryman. You have one minute to answer questions on your specialist subject starting

Now. At what age did Yerret Manfreed start writing?

FT: Seven years old.

JJ: Correct. What was Manfreed renowned for before he experienced an unfortunate event?

FT: Book reviewing and hardboiled fiction.

JJ: Correct. What was the name of his hardboiled private investigator?

FT: Jason Fox.

JJ: Correct. What was he working on before the unfortunate event?

FT: Pass.

JJ: What was the unfortunate event just mentioned?

FT: He tripped and fell onto the floor.

JJ: No. He banged his head on a wall on his way to the bathroom. How many days elapsed before he went to hospital.

FT: Pass.

JJ: What was it that caused him some consternation at the hospital?

FT: Hardly anyone was wearing a mask or keeping their distance from others.

JJ: Correct. What book was Manfreed reading in the hospital?

FT: A Roland Barthes Reader.

JJ: Correct. How much of his book did he manage to read?

FT: Seventeen percent.

JJ. Correct. What was Manfreed's reaction when he was told he only had mild concussion and to take it easy for a week or so?

FT: He did cartwheels in the hospital car park.

JJ: Correct. What work is Manfreed most

<'Bing' 'Bing'>

I've started so I'll finish. What work is Manfreed most famous for?

FT: Experiments in Style.

JJ: Correct. At the end of this round, Mr Terryman, you have a score of eight with two passes.

<applause >

JJ: You passed on two. Before the unfortunate event he was working on a Jason Fox omnibus.

FT: Of course.

JJ: And he waited three days before he went to the hospital.

FT: Oh, yes, that’s right.

JJ: Thank you very much, Mr Terryman!

<applause >

---

Here’s a spoof of Mastermind, with Morecamb and Wise:

And a very clever take-off with the Two Ronnies¹:

And now, here is a full-length episode of Mastermind, the original.

I hope you have enjoyed this version of the story. Comments are welcomed, as always. If you’d like to dig deeper, I often write an ‘Experiments in style extra’ post to explain how a version came about, or how I did it. That’s for paid subscribers. Indeed, next week I’ll be publishing some notes about today’s version.

If you’re new to the series, you can see the index of my experiments here: Index.

Thank you for reading!

1. For non-Brits: You’ll need to know this: Burke’s Peerage was established by John Burke in London in 1826 during the reign of King George IV. Since then, it has become the definitive guide to the genealogy of historical families worldwide. (See: Burke’s Peerage.) A berk is an idiot.