The noise abatement meeting
or Give me strength
In which Terry recalls a meeting that was taken over by someone seemingly obsessed with… cockerels!
Greetings! This is part of an article I published a couple of years ago when I had only two subscribers. I’ve doubled that number since! Anyway, here it is. Read it and weep.
Our local Neighbourhood Watch person organised a meeting to discuss noise. The meeting was addressed by a police officer and a lady from the Noise Abatement section of the Council.
The Noise Abatement lady outlined when the Noise Abatement unit operated, where the police came in, and what to do if, say, a neighbour consistently played music loudly in the middle of the night. Then it was time for questions.
Attendee: Someone’s got a cockerel in my road, and it wakes me up every blasted morning at five o-clock.
Noise Abatement Lady: I’m afraid we don’t deal with cockerels. You would have to call the Nuisance Wildlife Department.
Attendee: Every morning. Five o-clock.
NAL: Yes, but if you just call the Nuisance Wildlife team they should be able to help you.
Attendee: It’s a cockerel. It starts up every morning at five o-clock.
NAL: Well the Noise Abatement Team only deals with noise made by human beings. You would need to call the Nuisance Wildlife Department.
Attendee: It wakes me up every morning at five o-clock.
Me: May I ask a question please?
NAL: Yes.
Me: Would I be correct in assuming that if the noise comes from a person we should call your team, but if the noise comes from a cockerel we should call the Nuisance Wildlife people?
The police officer was desperately trying not to laugh. The NAL managed to splutter out “That’s right.” The cockerel-obsessed attendee spent the next ten minutes glaring at me.
But at least we got off the subject of cockerels.
Loved this!
We had some new neighbours thirty-five-odd years ago - they'd moved to the countryside, having decided that 'London's too loud for us'.
Within a week they'd come round to complain about our sheep. We lived in the COUNTRYSIDE. They'd moved to the COUNTRYSIDE. They didn't like the sound of SHEEP. It wasn't even a whole field of sheep, either - and hey, the sheep were IN THE COUNTRYSIDE.
They didn't last long in the neighbourhood (the neighbours, not the sheep).
See, the move is to dispatch with the bird when the neighbours are out, then invite them over for roast chicken. Not to whinge to bureaucracy.
(My grandfather who lived in the country - and who was clearly in some respects a maniac - actually did this with a troublesome neighbour’s bird. Neighbours said it was a delicious meal, too 😅)