Reply to Rebecca #19

Puddlegate, Cycling, and a summary of a Shakespeare play

Dear Rebecca

Thank you for your letter.

Stand by for erudite prose, Spielberg-quality videos, and amazing artwork! (All of which is an exaggeration.)

The boat hire joke made me laugh, and it reminded me in turn of a comedy sketch performed by Frankie Howerd on the radio, many years ago. In the sketch he was showing a foreign visitor around London, and the dialogue went something like this:

Howerd: And here is Buckingham Palace.

Visitor: Oh, such a cute little shack.

Howerd: And this is the M1 motorway.

Visitor : I so love your country lanes.

Visitor, spotting the Queen Mary liner : Oh wow, what a wonderful ship!

Howerd: Ship? That's no ship! COME IN NUMBER 5, YOUR TIME'S UP!

The synchronised swimming video was very clever. Regarding Puddlegate, you are right. Long gone are those halcyon days when you could swim to the bus stop, paddle in the kerb or, on windy days, go water skiing. However, when one door closes another one opens, that's what I always say, and these days we get our bikes out and go pothole swerving. The rider in front points out an oncoming pothole while simultaneously swerving. Slowing down is not allowed. The first person to arrive back home in one piece is the winner.

I was disappointed to read that the Prime Minister's pothole fund is to be discontinued. Just as Britain was becoming the world leader in pothole production. Elaine suggests we need a new inspection body to go with Ofcom and Ofsted: Ofpot. I don't disagree with her.

As I said to someone recently, there are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't. You clearly belong in the latter category, Becks, because you questioned my assertion that we have been writing to each other for the better part of a year. Look: this is reply number 19 to letter number 19. Two times 19 is 38. That's how many weeks we've bin writing to each other. There are 52 weeks in a year. The number 38 is 73% of 52. Ergo, we have bin corresponding for the better part of a year. I rest my case.

Regarding shoplifting, the obvious thing to do, according to that insane sentencing policy you outlined, is to do, say, three lots of shoplifting of items up to the value of £199 rather than, for instance, one big one of £600.

Thanks for the delightful info about walking. We love walking in our local park, where we often meet nice doggies and their staff. We've got to know quite a few people over the years, including a policeman, an Olympic sports athlete, and sundry others.

We also love cycling.

Terry cycling, by Terry

London is well-provided for in terms of dedicated cycle routes. For example, in the video below you can clearly see the road marked C16, which is the route I referred to in Forgotten paths and winding memories. It gets quite fast at around 3 minutes.

Elaine and I are definitely getting fitter. The other day, for example, I managed to cycle at over 18 mph UPHILL!

The next video shows a dedicated cycleway. It's blue, and separated from the main road. The only danger comes from so-called floating bus stops - bus stops on the island between the cycleway and the main road. Just to be clear, it's not the bus stops that are dangerous, but people running for the bus.

Your puzzle

Thanks to your extra clues, I deduced that the answer to your puzzle is Cleo, because of this extract from a play called Tony and Cleo, by some bloke called Billy Wagglestaff:

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.

You may not realise this, Becks, but that Tony bloke turns up in another play, called Julius Cheeser. He makes a famous speech along the lines of:

I come to bury Cheeser,

Not to praise him.

The evil that men do lives after them.

The good is oft interred with their bones.

So let it be with Cheeser.

He was riling up the crowd again a rotter called Brutus and his mate Cassius, cos they had bumped off Cheeser. Someone had already warned Cheeser by saying "Beware the Ides of Munch".

Mrs Cheeser told him not to go the parade, but he just said "Don't be daft, woman". (I bet he regretted that.) Anyway, that's a summary of some of the play. I won't spoil it by telling you that Tony wins in the end and travels to see Cleo to celebrate, and ends up in another play.

A scene from Julius Cheeser, by Terry

Anyway, that's enough from me. I look forward to your reply.

All the best

Terry

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