Reply to Rebecca #11

Advanced drivelling, potholes, Star Trek, words, holidays

Dear Rebecca

Thank you for your lovely letter. I feel I must take issue on certain points, but first, just to say I loved the artwork.

Advanced drivelling

There is drivelling, and advanced drivelling. An advanced driveller can witter on for hours on any or all topics without breaking a sweat. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition of ‘witter’ is:

To chatter or mutter; to grumble; to speak with annoying lengthiness on trivial matters.

Note the word ‘annoying’. The advanced driveller can have the hapless recipient screaming for mercy in no time. I once said to Elaine that I bet I could speak non-stop on the way to her parents (a ten minute drive) making perfect sense but using only straplines from advertisements. By the time we’d been travelling for three minutes, having endured such aphorisms as “Nobody knows carpets like Darren”, she shouted “Please stop!”.

My advanced drivelling course consists of modules like:

• How to witter about art (“I admire the way the artist has reconciled the eternal conflict between the permanent and the ephemeral while using a reduced palette”); literature (“Of course, this is reminiscent of Joyce’s use of the fronted adverbial”); music (“It’s interesting to ponder the way in which Holst manages to convey the sense of both the unknown and the unknowable, a theme to which he returns in …”)

• [Optional] How to speak like a polly Titian (“I strenuously deny that I said what I was recorded as saying in that recording”; “I think all right-minded people will agree that…”)

• How to bluff your way on exam papers using advanced wittering techniques (“Experts now agree that Shakespeare’s First Folio cannot be divorced from the milieu in which it was originally collated…”)

• How to utilise the power of ChatGPT to raise your wittering to the next level.

No other course offers such variety and depth.

Potholes

Do you not think it strange that the local council where Arnie lives only told him it was a service trench after he’d made international headlines by filling it in?

On the subject of potholes and road works, I am going to write to the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, and Rishi Sunak. Here is my draft:

“Dear Sirs

My journey to Wanstead this morning took twice as long as it should have done, owing to the numerous 3- and 4-way traffic lights holding everyone up every few yards, and the preponderance of potholes. The only thing that was lacking to make our journey complete was a flock of sheep meandering along and across the roads.

Is all this some sort of job-creation scheme that the two of you have hatched? You know: create potholes, then hold up as much traffic as possible for as long as possible while they get filled in?

I have started a spreadsheet to record the number of potholes, roadworks and other hold-ups, and I have noted that the number of potholes etc in our area is above the national average, as shown in the graph below. The line in the middle shows the average number of potholes in London. The shaded area shows the number of potholes in my area. The unshaded area shows the number of potholes in the rest of London. As you can see, we have an above average number of potholes, whereas the rest of London has a below average number of potholes.

I look forward to hearing what you intend to do to rectify this clearly inequitable state of affairs, which almost certainly contravenes the human rights of people living in my area and is the cause of road rage, anguish and gout.

I remain, Sirs, your humble and obedient servant

Lord Tel”

Star Trek

Unbelievable! How did I end up corresponding with an uneducated pleb who doesn’t love Star Trek? It’s scandalous. Tell me, Rebecca, would you know what to do if you suddenly found yourself trapped in a time loop?

Unbelievable! How did I end up corresponding with an uneducated pleb who doesn’t love Star Trek? It’s scandalous. Tell me, Rebecca, would you know what to do if you suddenly found yourself trapped in a time loop?

No? Well I would! I regard Star Trek as educational, a sort of how-to manual should I ever meet aliens in Sainsbury’s¹ or find myself trapped in a parallel universe. Please watch all episodes of Star Trek (original) and Star Trek TNG by the next time you write. (They are all on Netflix.) I shall be asking questions. You have been warned.

Words

I really enjoyed your section on words (‘gruntled’, ‘combobulated’, ‘ept’ etc). That sort of thing has always fascinated me as well. I will say no more for now, except to say thanks for a great laugh!

Holidays

Elaine and I haven’t been on a holiday together for at least ten years. What with various caring duties it was very difficult. Also, we are reluctant to put our cats in a cattery for a while, because they have been traumatized enough. My brother, Willow, came from a rescue centre, and we have no idea what he and his brother were subjected to, except that his brother (sadly deceased) was terrified of men, jeans and ding-dong doorbells . My girlfriends, Minty and Mocha, had been left in a cardboard box outside the vets. So you will understand our reluctance to add to their angst.

On the subject of cats, Elaine asked me the other day to remind her, in the morning, that she needed to take something soft to sit on because the place she was going to had really hard chairs. I left her this note, which I think she found helpful:

But enough of this persiflage! Over to you, Rebecca.

if anyone else reading this wishes to read our previous and future correspondence here are the relevant links.

Rebecca’s letters to me:

An epistolary index: Letters to Terry

My letters to Rebecca:

The Rebecca-Terry Letters

All the best

Terry

1. A supermarket chain