Reply to 'Letter' ABOUT Terry

This has really messed up the numbering

Dear Rebecca

Thank you for your recent letter which was, weirdly, about me rather than to me. It's a very odd experience to be on the receiving end of such a thing, and it's hard to know how best to reply. But I shall do my best.

Parking

(aka Get offa my lawn)

Regarding your jibe about not offering a parking place on the Freedman estate. We have barely enough room for our own vehicle — a pony and trap as it happens — let alone for a mobile hotel. Besides, what would, the neighbours think?

Incidentally, we couldn’t afford a pony, so we’ve had to compromise:

‘Artwork’ by Terry Freedman

Foxes and footwear

I made the mistake of leaving my trainers on the back door step once to dry. In the morning one of them was down the other end of the garden. I didn't speak to our friendly fox for several days. "That'll learn him”, I thought.

But the worst footwear incident occurred a few years ago. We were walking to the tube station when I said to Elaine. "I have to stop. I'm sure there is something in my shoe." I thrust my hand inside the trainer and pulled out a dead mouse. YEUCCH! Thanks a bunch, feline murderers!

On the subject of footwear, have you noticed that whenever a shoe is spotted lying around outdoors, there is always only one? My cousin in the USA had a whole collection of photos she'd taken, all depicting a solitary shoe in the street. Next time you're out on all your runs or walks, keep your eyes firmly fixed on the roadside: you're bound to come across plenty of solitary shoes.

Google maps

Your walking in the wrong direction was good to hear — because I'm guilty of the same thing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. The pointer thing doesn't tell you which direction to face, that’s the problem. The best solution I've seen was on a Bugs Bunny film, which is about my intellectual level. Someone was standing in front of a direction sign with a hand and finger pointing. The finger tapped the person on the shoulder and pointed out the correct direction!

Drawn by Terry Freedman

That's a good photo of the Kindertransport memorial, by the way. Just goes to show what you can do with a Kodak Instamatic. Give Jim a pat on the back from me.

Tea vs coffee

Your astonishment at the fact that I drink coffee out is misplaced. Virtually everywhere I go the tea is disgusting. Why? Because they make it with tea bags. TEA BAGS: one of the worst inventions ever to plague our lives. Some cafe workers, not content with using a bag of floor sweepings as the basis for a drink, go further, and pour the milk in at the same time. Disgusting. I am trying to get my MP to propose a law banning such practices.

Fan clubs

So you noticed the hordes of screaming fans trying to get my autograph or a selfie with me. Presumably modesty forbade you from relating the fact that when you emerged into the station, somebody shrieked "OMG it's her, the getting lost woman". Cue hundreds of people waving their autograph books (all carefully choreographed by me, of course, as a little surprise).

And on the subject of fans…

Sax tutor: So you want to continue learning the sax?

Me: Of course. I’m hoping it will turn me into a babe magnet.

Elaine and tutor: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: It’s not that funny!

Social life

Elaine and I were invited to some celebration or other in a restaurant recently.

Hostess to Elaine: Would you like some wine?

Me to hostess: Elaine isn't allowed wine, not since "the incident".

Bookshop disappointment

I visited a second-hand bookshop today. There were hundreds of books. I found two that I liked, but they were rather expensive. Such a disappointment. I may have to return soon to see if I can persuade myself to change my mind.

Daunt books, which you mentioned, is great. I often find stuff there that I haven't seen elsewhere. Did you know that James Daunt turned Waterstones around? And that he was headhunted by Barnes & Noble to do the same there?

Our next meet-up

Substack started a thing whereby writers in the same area could get together in real life. But we were ahead of the curve! I think we deserve a mutual back-patting session. I suggest we do that in Covent Garden — there are so many nutcases doing strange things there that nobody will notice two more.

And on that note, I will take my leave, and look forward to your reply. Peeps, to make sure you see Rebecca’s reply next Wednesday, make sure you subscribe to her lovely newsletter:

All the best

Terry