More Experiments in Style
Digression, condensed version, newspaper report
Here are another three versions of a very simple story.
If you’re new here, the very first article in this series, with a full explanation and reviews of the two books that inspired this series, is here:
This article contains:
The template (the original story)
Digression
Condensed version
Newspaper report
Template
In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.
The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.
The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.
An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.
Digression
In the middle of the night – I think it must have been a Tuesday; no, wait a minute, it was a Wednesday; In know that because I’d been watching my favourite TV programme and that always goes out on a Wednesday. Anyway, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake, but I suppose it’s all a matter of degree really, isn’t it? Otherwise we wouldn’t have such phrases as “wide awake” or “half asleep”), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom – we don’t have an en suite bathroom, which I think would be quite nice — and almost knocked myself out. I say that, but I’ve never lost consciousness, except when I’ve gone to sleep or had a general anaesthetic, so strictly speaking I don’t know if I nearly knocked myself out or not to be honest.
The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. I don’t have the greatest sense of direction at the best of times. Like if I’m out in the street, and not sure of where I’m going, if I look at a map I have to orient myself so that I’m looking at the streets from the same point of view as the map is, if that makes sense. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall, which I have to tell you is pretty solid. The house was built in 1909, and in those days they built stuff to last. I don’t know what the walls are made of, bricks and stuff I suppose, but they’re as hard as rock.
The next few days brought nausea and headaches. The headaches were where I banged my head, not like the front of my head over my eyes or anything like that, in which case I’d have probably assumed that my glasses needed adjusting or updating or something. After much prevarication – I don’t usually dither but I suppose part of the problem was that I’d banged my head so I couldn’t think straight – I went to Accident and Emergency – it’s only about a 20 minute walk from where we live, and I didn’t think I was injured enough to justify calling an ambulance – I did once have to call an ambulance for myself in the street – that’s another story – and frankly I found it quite embarrassing. Where was I? Oh yes. I got to A & E and I found the waiting more worrying than the headache because – and don’t forget this was right in the middle of the pandemic – hardly anyone was wearing their mask properly – I mean what on earth is the point of wearing on your chin, unless you breathe through your chin. Mind you, maybe some people need to keep their nostrils unobstructed. I saw a Star Trek episode once in which this alien had to have this contraption around his next that drove some sort of vapour into his nose. Now that’s what I call a serious congestion problem. The people in the waiting room weren’t too bothered about social distancing either. I wouldn’t say it was exactly like Selfridges in the January sales, but it wasn’t far off. I haven’t been to a January sale in ages because of the crowds; I don’t expect to find the same situation in my local hospital.
An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight – actually I was quite pleased that I’d only been there for 90 minutes. The time before we were there for nine hours! It was just getting dark when I left, which is better than late at night or in the early hours, which is what it was the last time we had to go there, which actually wasn’t that long ago, because we’d had a phone call at 2am because my father-in-law was being carted off to the hospital, and we didn’t leave there until 5am. We were knackered, to put it mildly. Still, at least I only had mild concussion, so it could have been far worse. I mean, if I’d fractured my skull I might have even died as a result of it, like someone I read about in the paper. I wasn’t able to do much writing but it would have been rubbish probably anyway because of the concussion. I managed to read a further 17% of my book though, so I was quite pleased about that.
Condensed version
Blimey, that was some crack on the head I gave myself! Still, no lasting damage.
Newspaper report
The “Daily Trumpet” facsimile was created with an online newspaper generator.
Daily Trumpet, by Terry Freedman.
Last night, for no apparent reason, Terry Freedman, a resident of Ilford, Essex, banged his head in the middle of the night.
"I was on my way to the bathroom, when all of a sudden I banged my head on the wall. I thought it was the door."
A neighbour, who wished to remain anonymous, told us, "I don't understand it. They are such a nice couple, and he has never done anything like this before. His wife must be in bits."
A spokesperson for the hospital he visited said there was no lasting damage.
"The only real damage", said Freedman, "is to my ego. I feel such an idiot! Still, at least I managed to read quite a bit while I was waiting. Mind you, I was rather worried because people weren't wearing masks or obeying social distancing rules."
Report by Fred Terryman. Additional reporting by Yerret Manfreed.
Read other versions here:
The index will be continually updated as I write more versions.
Well done sir! Especially enjoyed the newspaper article...
This series is such a hoot, Terry - thank you so much for the pre-weekend giggle!