Letter to Rebecca #3

The last -- for now

Dear Rebecca

Thank you for your latest missive. The fiasco with the bus stop ‘improvements’ continues, but at least now the council has actually done something about it. They have erected this sign just before the so-called ‘puddle’:

I’m surprised that you didn’t know that sometimes it can be too cold for snow. As it happens, the rot set in under Harold (“You’ve never had it so good”) Macmillan, who was Prime Minister in 1962. On 14th October, temperatures were still measured in Fahrenheit. But then on the 15th October, we switched to Celsius. The average temperature plummeted immediately, as you can see from these graphs.

Average temperature on 14th October 1962

Average temperature on 15th October 1962

Note that as soon as we adopted Celsius, shown in the lower graph, the temperature even went below zero at times. No wonder people still cite the winter of 1962-63 as one of the worst, if not the worst, since records began.

If you don’t like graphs, just concentrate on the numbers. On a cold day before 15th October 1962 the temperature hardly ever fell below 32 degrees. Then wham! We’re suddenly freezing in 0 degrees with no warning, and no time to go out and by thermal undies.

As it happens, I recently advised the current Prime Minister about how best to tackle rising energy prices this winter. I suggested reverting to Fahrenheit, which would immediately make the country warmer. I’m not sure if he will, it’s difficult to know what his reaction was. As you know, Downing Street, where the PM lives, is gated off and there’s a police guard, so I had to shout my suggestions from the end of the road. Hopefully he will have heard at least some of them.

I am very pleased that you found my explanation of the etymology of the name Thames Path illuminating. My heart is also warmed by the fact that you feel flattered to have been compared to the Department for Health and Social Security. It could have been worse: I could have compared your letters to the one I received from the Department for Education. This simply stated:

Dear Mr Freedman

Here is your teacher number. Please keep it safe.

I was tempted to show them what a more friendly approach would look like, by writing something along the lines of:

Dear Department

(I hope you don’t mind if I address you by your first name.) I should like to say how grateful I am to receive your warm wishes and congratulations at becoming a teacher after a seven year slog through O Levels, A Levels, a BA and a teacher training course. I am holding a small family celebration soon, I do hope you will come.

But then I thought, oh to hell with it.

I did visit a school a few years ago in which the headteacher kept going on about how he tries to inculcate his charges with social graces, the importance of politeness, respect for others etc. I emailed him afterwards to thank him for a very enjoyable and enlightening visit.

He didn’t even bother to reply.

I do recall Three Men in a Boat, at least partially. The only thing I remember is that one of the boat’s occupants looked in a medical dictionary and came to the conclusion that he had every ailment apart from housemaid’s knee.

On the subject of books, Amazon has recommended Dear Committee Members, which I’m pleased about because I ordered the book form them about a week ago. Nice to know their algorithms are working well.

Incidentally, the photos at the top of this letter were taken at our local station. The roads are OK for the most part, but the other day I drove to the dentist and the side road there was like a skating rink. No wonder the dentist was looking a bit down in the mouth.

I’m sorry to hear about Jim’s fall. I remember a friend telling me once that he slipped walking down a hill in this kind of weather. He landed on his posterior, and as he sat there hurtling down the slope he watched his briefcase overtake him.

I’m surprised that you openly display stolen property in the form of a lamp post. It looks pretty, but I’m afraid I feel compelled to write to British Rail about it. They’ve been looking for it for decades. I’m hoping there’ll be a reward.

I love the seaside in winter. those pics of Seaford are delightful. I feel calm just looking at them. The ones below were taken at Southwold in December 2013:

Southwold, UK, December

I have a vague recollection of longshore drift. I think it was mentioned in one of the geography lessons I didn’t fall asleep in. The teacher was useless, and delivered every lesson in a monotone. I shouldn’t be surprised if he was moonlighting as a sleep therapist.

By way of contrast, we had a chemistry teacher who shouted so loud that you could hear him at the other end of the school, so we called him thunder guts. No falling asleep in his lessons.

Elaine and I were sitting in a doctor’s waiting room some years ago, and the person sitting next to her was someone she knew from her school days. When that lady heard that Elaine had been a teacher, she asked her: “Were you strict?”.

Before Elaine had a chance to answer I said, “Strict? The kids called her Miss Whiplash.”

Unfortunately, just at that moment everybody in the waiting room stopped talking, so my comment bellowed out and could probably be heard in the street.

I enjoyed your recording. It seemed to me one of your more articulate pronouncements.

Elaine and I often take walks together. I like her to walk in front of me in case there’s a hidden pot hole. It’s not because I’m selfish or self-centred, it’s because if I am too incapacitated to write, my readers will feel bereft.

Well, I must away. I’m starving, my tea is cold, and my footrest has gone off to curl up somewhere warmer. I hope you will write to me in the New Year. In the meantime, have a nice Christmas. The nicest Christmas Day I ever spent was when I arose early, before anyone else, and went to a church about a 30 minute walk away. I am not of the faith, but it was a really lovely, peaceful service.

Anyway, enough of this persiflage. Have a lovely break.

Yours

Terry

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O Reader, Rebecca and I hope to continue our correspondence in the New Year. Start 2023 the way you mean to go on. Subscribe to her newsletter now, and subscribe to mine straight afterwards. That way you won’t miss a letter.