Experiments in style: US TV Cop series

A parody of a couple of series from the 1950s and 1960s

Greetings!

One of the things I’ve been trying out is reworking a piece of text into a completely different style. A full exposition and explanation are given here:

Experimenting with styles

In today’s experiment I’d like to tell the story in the style of a US TV cop show from the 1950s/1960s. First, though, here is the original text on which these experiments or transformations are based:

The original (template) text

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.

US TV Cop Series

The story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This is London. A city of 32 local authorities plus the City of London.  It’s been traditionally known as The Big Smoke.

There’s been a spate of people turning up to hospitals having banged their head. But every time we go to investigate what happened, the victim has disappeared.

My name’s Thursday. I’m a cop.

Wednesday October 6, 2021, 6:47pm. We get a call from the local hospital.

Thursday: “You say he’s still there? Try to stall him. We’re coming down now.”

7:14pm. We arrive at the hospital. The security guard points out our guy.

Thursday: “Are you Fred Terryman?”

Fred Terryman

Fred: “That’s my name, pops. Don’t wear it out.”

Thursday: “We need to talk to you about this bang on the head you got.”

Fred: “Never mind that, dad. I thought you were here to arrest these danger freaks¹ not wearing masks or keeping away from each other. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready for the bone yard² just yet.”

Thursday: “Tell us what happened. Take your time.”

Fred: “Can the chat³, daddyo. There’s a real slinky piece of homework⁴ coming my way.”

7:31pm. A nurse has just arrived.

Nurse: “Would you like to come with me?”

Fred: “Boy, what a tough question.”

8:07pm

Fred is back in the waiting room.

Thursday: “What did she say?”

Fred: “She said I just gotta take it easy for a while. So everything’s straight from the fridge⁵, man.”

Thursday: “So are you gonna tell us what happened, or do we go and do this at the station?”

Fred: “Boy, you fellas sure like beating your gums⁶. OK, let’s grab a flop⁷. My feet are killing me. Now stand by and unhook your ears⁸ while I pad your skull⁹. Nothing happened. I dowsed the Edisons¹⁰ like I always do when I hit the sack¹¹. Anyway, I was in the hay parlour¹² when I needed to use the facilities. Next thing I know I’m banging my head against the wall cos I took a wrong turn. I hadn’t even had any mouthwash¹³.”

Thursday: “You sure you’re not shooting a line¹⁴?”

Fred: “I’ve given it to you straight with no chaser¹⁵, man. Now if you got no beef¹⁶, I just wanna agitate the gravel¹⁷ before they put me to bed with a shovel¹⁸. I’m off to Wordsville¹⁹ cos I’m a writer and reader..”

9:32pm

Back at the station we’ve wrapped up the case. Another mystery solved in the big city.

Fred Terryman  made a full recovery from his injury.

The story you have just read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

There are 8.9 million stories in The Big Smoke. This was one of them.

Notes

The TV shows being parodied are Dragnet and Naked City. Here are a couple of episodes:

Glossary (see footnotes)

I am indebted to this book for the hipster slang I used:

Click here to see the book on Amazon (affiliate link)

I hope you enjoyed this version. If you’d like to dig deeper, I often write an ‘Experiments in style extra’ post to explain how a version came about, or how I did it. That’s for paid subscribers.

If you’re new to the series, you can see the index of my experiments here: Index.

As always, I’d love to hear your comments.

1. Fans of something (in this case danger)

2. Cemetery

3. Stop talking

4. Attractive woman

5. Cool

6. Talking

7. Sit down

8. Listen closely

9. Give you information

10. Turned off the lights

11. Go to bed

12. Bedroom

13. Alcohol

14. Lying

15. Told the truth

16. Complaint

17. Leave

18. Bury me

19. A library