Experiments in style: Sponsored version

It hasn't really been sponsored, that's just the name of this style!

One of the things I’ve been trying out is reworking a piece of text into a completely different style. A full exposition and explanation are given here:

Experimenting with styles

In today’s experiment I’d like to tell the story in the style of a sponsored ads page in a magazine. First, though, here is the original text on which these experiments or transformations are based:

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The original (template) text

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.

Sponsored version

This story has been sponsored by the following companies

SleepTite Blackout Curtains. Industrial strength. As recommended by Insomniac Times and others.

Bespoke Bathrooms and shower rooms, designed to fit any space – and any budget. From On Tap, your local bathroom specialist.

Navigational aids from North-by-North-West. Compasses * Gyroscopes * GPS-enabled apps * Never lose your sense of direction again!

Need brickwork, plasterwork, sliding panels? Call Hadrian’s Builders. Hadrian: building walls since AD122.

Suffering from headaches and nausea? Try ZapIt. Approved by 8 out of 10 migraine sufferers (in a study of 10 people).

Support your health service. You can do your bit to ease the strain by consulting our online symptom database before going to A & E.

Masks-R-Us. Ward off Covid with our masks. Designed to not slip down to your chin. Medically approved. Effective in 98% of people.

Suffering from concussion? Try ZapIt Plus now for immediate relief.

Calling all writers! Notebooks, pens and quills available at bargain prices. Also, timers, to help you keep track of how long you’re spending writing. Free WordCount app with every $100 spent. Visit Dr Johnson’s Writing Emporium now!

Are you a book lover? Visit Val’s Book Store for a huge selection of new, used and discounted books, both fiction and nonfiction. We also run courses in speed reading!

All artwork executed by AI. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than I could do! See

I hope you like this somewhat different take on the story. Let me know in the comments!

Next week (if I remember): the solution to the cryptic crossword version, readers’ contributions and something else. Do subscribe if you don’t want to miss it. For more experiments, please see the index. Paid subscribers also get behind the scenes information about some of these experiments as well as access to the whole of the back catalogue so to speak. In the most recent one I did a lit crit analysis of my hardboiled version, looking at the literary devices I used.