Greetings!
If you’re new here then you can find out all about this project of mine here:
But in a nutshell it’s this: I’ve been taking a short and very bland story and rewriting it in different styles. This time I’ve chosen cockney (defined as someone born within the sound of Bow bells, in other words a true working class Londoner) rhyming slang.
Rhyming Slang was invented by the London underworld to enable criminals to speak to each other in public without anyone knowing what they’re talking about. Thus, for instance, “stairs” becomes “apple and pears”. But it gets more difficult than that because usually the second part is left off. So rather than going up the apples and pears you go up the apples.
Some of the expressions have entered into the mainstream. For example, “use your loaf”, meaning “think”, comes from loaf of bread = head. Similarly, describing something as cobblers, ie rubbish, comes from cobblers’ awls = balls.
An interesting aspect of this new experiment is that I felt I had to not simply translate the original text, but invent a new persona modelled on what a typical cockney night say and sound like. Try to figure out what it all means — but don’t worry, I’ll provide the translation in the footnotes — but try not to cheat!
The original story: a bang on the head
In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.
The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.
The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.
An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.
The cockney rhyming slang version: A rotten on the loaf
In the early gypsy’s1 I woke up and needed a Jimmy2, know what I mean? So I balled3 to the bathroom. But what do you know? Instead of balling through the Bobby4 I tried to ball through the wall didn’t I? -- and gave myself a real rotten5 on the loaf6. I tell ya, I felt such a two foot7, know what I mean? Well, I started to feel really Tom8 and after humming and hawing the old Dutch9 says to me I was lucky not to be brahn10, and told me to go to the old hospital. Well, when I got there it was full of dustbins11 and others virtually rubbing rocks12. Talk about mental13! It made me really mum14. I mean, what if one of them had an ‘orse15, or started to bread16? I thought to meself, I don’t Adam17 it! Anyway, I was sitting there on me tod18, know what I mean, and a nurse rolls up and says “Come with me” and I thought to meself “You’re well in there, my son!19” I mean she ‘ad a nice boat20, lovely minces21 and a smashin’22 pair of bacons23. So we go into this room and she took some claret24, and held me elastics25, and told me to touch my Errol26 and my I suppose27. Then I had to raise me falses28 and bend down and touch me plates29. Then she made me stick out me brewers30 and swivel me minces, know what I mean? Anyway, a bit alligator31 it turns out I just had Oscar32 concussion, so a bit of a waste of grease33 but at least I’d read some of me captain34, and I made me way up the frog35 to the Pope36, and when I gets in the trouble37 makes me a lovely cup of Rosie38, know what I mean?
I hope you enjoyed battling with that. You’ll find the (growing) index of these ‘experiments’ here.
Gypsy’s warning = morning
Jimmy Riddle = piddle
Ball of chalk = walk
Bobby Moore = door
Rotten Row = blow
Loaf of bread = head
Two foot rule = fool
Tom and Dick = sick
Dutch = Duchess of Fife = wife
Brahn = brown= brown bread = dead
Dustbins = Dustbin lids = kids
Rocks and boulders = shoulders
Mental ( ot rhyming slang) = nuts
Mum and dad = mad
‘orse = horse = horse and trough = cough
Bread and cheese = sneeze
Adam and Eve = believe
Tod Sloane = own/alone
Not rhyming slang, but the manner in which someone like this might describe thinking that the lady in question fancied him!
Boat race = face
Minces = mince pies = eyes
Not rhyming slang. Smashin’ = smashing = great.
Bacons = bacon and eggs = legs
Not rhyming slang, but stands for blood
Elastics = elastic bands = hands
Errol Flynn = chin
I suppose = nose
Falses = false alarms = arms
Plates = plates of meat = feet
Brewer’s bung = tongue
Alligator = later (Typical exchange between two people: see ya later, alligator; in a while, crocodile)
Oscar Wilde = mild
Grease and slime = time
Captain Cook = book
Frog and toad = road
Pope in Rome = home
Trouble and strife = wife
Rosie Lea = tea
I LOVE this! I have always wanted to see more people's take on Exercises in Style. Did you already know a fair amount of rhyming slang, or was this mostly discovered while you were writing?