A brand new 'Experiment in style'

Cockney rhyming slang

Greetings!

If you’re new here then you can find out all about this project of mine here:

Experimenting with styles

But in a nutshell it’s this: I’ve been taking a short and very bland story and rewriting it in different styles. This time I’ve chosen cockney (defined as someone born within the sound of Bow bells, in other words a true working class Londoner) rhyming slang.

Rhyming Slang was invented by the London underworld to enable criminals to speak to each other in public without anyone knowing what they’re talking about. Thus, for instance, “stairs” becomes “apple and pears”. But it gets more difficult than that because usually the second part is left off. So rather than going up the apples and pears you go up the apples.

Some of the expressions have entered into the mainstream. For example, “use your loaf”, meaning “think”, comes from loaf of bread = head. Similarly, describing something as cobblers, ie rubbish, comes from cobblers’ awls = balls.

An interesting aspect of this new experiment is that I felt I had to not simply translate the original text, but invent a new persona modelled on what a typical cockney night say and sound like. Try to figure out what it all means — but don’t worry, I’ll provide the translation in the footnotes — but try not to cheat!

The original story: a bang on the head

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposefully towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out.

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall.

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer.

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book.

The cockney rhyming slang version: A rotten on the loaf

In the early gypsy’s¹ I woke up and needed a Jimmy², know what I mean? So I balled³ to the bathroom. But what do you know? Instead of balling through the Bobby⁴ I tried to ball through the wall didn’t I? -- and gave myself a real rotten⁵ on the loaf⁶. I tell ya, I felt such a two foot⁷, know what I mean? Well, I started to feel really Tom⁸ and after humming and hawing the old Dutch⁹ says to me I was lucky not to be brahn¹⁰, and told me to go to the old hospital. Well, when I got there it was full of dustbins¹¹ and others virtually rubbing rocks¹². Talk about mental¹³! It made me really mum¹⁴. I mean, what if one of them had an ‘orse¹⁵, or started to bread¹⁶? I thought to meself, I don’t Adam¹⁷ it! Anyway, I was sitting there on me tod¹⁸, know what I mean, and a nurse rolls up and says “Come with me” and I thought to meself “You’re well in there, my son!¹⁹” I mean she ‘ad a nice boat²⁰, lovely minces²¹ and a smashin’²² pair of bacons²³. So we go into this room and she took some claret²⁴, and held me elastics²⁵, and told me to touch my Errol²⁶ and my I suppose²⁷. Then I had to raise me falses²⁸ and bend down and touch me plates²⁹. Then she made me stick out me brewers³⁰ and swivel me minces, know what I mean? Anyway, a bit alligator³¹ it turns out I just had Oscar³² concussion, so a bit of a waste of grease³³ but at least I’d read some of me captain³⁴, and I made me way up the frog³⁵ to the Pope³⁶, and when I gets in the trouble³⁷ makes me a lovely cup of Rosie³⁸, know what I mean?

I hope you enjoyed battling with that. You’ll find the (growing) index of these ‘experiments’ here.

1. Gypsy’s warning = morning

2. Jimmy Riddle = piddle

3. Ball of chalk = walk

4. Bobby Moore = door

5. Rotten Row = blow

6. Loaf of bread = head

7. Two foot rule = fool

8. Tom and Dick = sick

9. Dutch = Duchess of Fife = wife

10. Brahn = brown= brown bread = dead

11. Dustbins = Dustbin lids = kids

12. Rocks and boulders = shoulders

13. Mental ( ot rhyming slang) = nuts

14. Mum and dad = mad

15. ‘orse = horse = horse and trough = cough

16. Bread and cheese = sneeze

17. Adam and Eve = believe

18. Tod Sloane = own/alone

19. Not rhyming slang, but the manner in which someone like this might describe thinking that the lady in question fancied him!

20. Boat race = face

21. Minces = mince pies = eyes

22. Not rhyming slang. Smashin’ = smashing = great.

23. Bacons = bacon and eggs = legs

24. Not rhyming slang, but stands for blood

25. Elastics = elastic bands = hands

26. Errol Flynn = chin

27. I suppose = nose

28. Falses = false alarms = arms

29. Plates = plates of meat = feet

30. Brewer’s bung = tongue

31. Alligator = later (Typical exchange between two people: see ya later, alligator; in a while, crocodile)

32. Oscar Wilde = mild

33. Grease and slime = time

34. Captain Cook = book

35. Frog and toad = road

36. Pope in Rome = home

37. Trouble and strife = wife

38. Rosie Lea = tea