Letter to Rebecca #24-18

Dear Rebecca

Thank you for your most interesting and entertaining letter. In this, my reply, I have omitted the expressions “Typical” and “I know my rights”. My challenge to you is that you have to work out where I should have put them. Here’s a clue: they both belong in the same section.

But enough of this persiflage! Read on for your most erudite experience of the week day hour last five minutes.

My new image

I’m thinking of resurrecting the photo below for use as my Substack profile picture. It’s several years old, and I’ve lost weight since then (see below for an up-to-date picture), but I think it conveys just the right amount of “Don’t mess with me-ness”. What do you think?

Alternatively, I could use this self-portrait, which depicts the remorseless precision of my profile¹.

Which of those, if either, would you prefer?

Alternatively, I could use this pic from when I was about eight years old. I haven’t changed much:

There you are: a choice of three. What thinkest thou?

Chaucer’s complete works

We visited the William Morris Gallery at the weekend, and Chaucer’s Complete Works was one of the books Wm Morris published.

As you can see, it’s beautifully designed, and wonderful quality. Unfortunately, as it weighs about half a ton and costs a small fortune, it’s not very practical, and doesn’t compare well to a Kindle version that’s for sale for just 49 pence and which weighs nothing at all. Yes, I know I’m a pleb, but one has to be practical about these things.

Crosswords

Thanks for your crossword clue, which I was unable to solve. It was, as you will no doubt recall:

The–alphabet (5)

However, before you leap for joy, put out the bunting and crown yourself Queen of the Cruciverbalists, please bear in mind what I said in my email to you, viz: I don’t think it was a fair clue. I think it should have been something like: "Sounds like a line in the alphabet." or something like that, because queue is a line and queue sounds like ‘Q’. Your clue was ingenious, but not quite right, because there wasn’t a clear indication of what the definition was or how to work it out – two pretty essential ingredients for a clue I should have thought. I realise this might sound like sour grapes, so permit me to hand you over to Ximenes. He compiled crosswords for The Observer, and he devised particular rules that crosswords should abide by. Incidentally, he chose the name Ximenes because he took over the role from a compiler called Torquemada. Torquemada was the Grand Inquisitor in the Spanish Inquisition, and Ximenes was one of his successors. Here’s what the Wikipedia entry says:

In his 1966 book, Ximenes on the Art of the Crossword (reissued 2001), he laid down rules that he claimed should be present in all good crosswords. These are now known as the "Ximenean principles". They include using a symmetric grid, and the specification of maximum and minimum numbers of "unches" (unchecked letters i.e. ones that only appear in one word in the grid) for a given length of answer. More importantly, he insisted that all clues must be scrupulously fair via rules that were summed up by his successor, Azed, as:

A good cryptic clue contains three elements:

1. a precise definition

2. a fair subsidiary indication

3. nothing else

So put that in your teabag and boil it.

What do you make of this clue, which I came across in The Times about five years ago:

Explode one day around a school (8)

I quite like that because the sentence makes sense in its own right. There’s a clear definition, ie the answer we’re looking for: a word meaning ‘explode’. There is also a clear indication of the word play: you have to think of the name of a school, and then put a word meaning ‘one day’ around it.

When British crosswords have the word ‘school’ in a clue, they almost invariably mean Eton². That means we have to think of a four letter word meaning ‘one day’, and put it around the word ‘Eton’. One day, implying one particular day, is ‘date’. Put that around ‘Eton’ and you arrive at the answer: ‘detonate, ie d-eton-ate.

So what do you think of that, Miss Rebecca?

Hitchcock

I saw that Hitchcock films were showing on the BBC iPlayer. I’ve seen most of them. I tried watching Suspicion but found it a bit tedious; perhaps I wasn’t in the right mood.

You ought to watch Psycho: it’s brilliant. When Hitchcock submitted it to the film censors, they told him he would have to cut some of the famous shower scene because it was too horrific. He agreed. He submitted the film two weeks later, and this time it was approved. The only thing was, Hitchcock hadn’t made a single cut!

Potholes (again) and bats

Putting flowers in potholes is definitely a creative approach! 

I hadn’t realised you’d had bats in the belfry, but it figures. I’d like to know more about batgate: 

• how did you catch it? 

• Did you shoo it out of the window?

• Or demand to be put in a bat-free room?

• Or …?

Do tell.

An advert

Here’s an advert I came across in a magazine from the 19th century, in which the manufacturer of Holloway’s pills and ointments ties in their product to Queen Vic’s diamond jubilee. Have a read: I think it’s hilarious.

That’s it from me, Becks.I hope you found this letter both informative and chortlesome.

All the best

Terry

To anyone reading this missive, you can see the whole archive here. Rebecca should reply next Wednesday, so make sure you don’t miss that by subscribing to hers.

Thanks for reading!

1. A term I’ve borrowed from Stephen Potter’s oneupmanship books.

2. Not Bog Lane High School.